5 Housewives’ Autobiographies: Reviewed

Hayu • By Natasha Jokic
14 September, 2016 - 04:21 (UTC)

Okay, so they might not be the next Dickens, but some of them can’t be half bad over a glass of Ramona Pinot Grigio; right?!

Alex McCord, Simon Van Kempen - Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City

Best Quote: “We took baby Johan for drinks at the Mercer Kitchen when he was 48 hours old”
Our Verdict: Written during their four season stint on RHONY, Alex and Simon’s guide to raising kids in the city is full to the brim with honest anecdotes (hello, drinking the odd glass of champagne when pregnant?) that might be relatable if you’re also living the multi-million dollar city lifestyle. Although the advice sometimes gets pretty weird (we could have lived long, happy lives without knowing that Simon’s, ahem, “happy ending” during the birth of Francois), it’s still an easy, fun read. However, if you’re not on the baby bandwagon and just want to read some vintage RHONY gossip, this probably isn’t the one for you.

Teresa Giudice - Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again

Best Quote: “I, for one, would not be buying a homemade dildo, thank you very much.”
Our Verdict: We’re still not quite over 2014’s RHONJ fraud scandal, so thankfully Teresa’s book doesn’t spare us the details of her time in prison. From using maxi pads to remove her makeup to the dubbing of her prison cell as the “Boom Boom Room” (we’ll leave that one to your imagination), her time in prison is about as different to the glam life we see in the first few seasons as Gucci is to Primark. There’s also some mention of her life pre-stardom (is anyone that surprised that she got suspended from school for being in a cat fight?); all in all making a wild page-turner.

Kyle Richards - Life is Not a Reality Show

Best Quote: “My husband would never do that. If he did, he’d have no more eyeballs!”
Our Verdict: Born and bred Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards tries to play the relatable mother in her autobiography/advice book in disguise. When she’s not saying “haha!” at something (seriously, it’s like every other page) she’s either offering advice that either seems a little out our price range or downright old school - we can’t all have housekeepers and insist men pay on the first date, Kyle. Whilst it’s not the most painful Kyle experiences we’ve had (do we dare mention sister Kim?) it’s certainly not one we recommend going through.

Lydia Mclaughlin - Beyond Orange County: A Housewives Guide to Faith and Happiness

Best Quote: "I look back and know God intended me to be on The Real Housewives of Orange County”
Our Verdict: Lydia’s follow up book to her departure of Orange County is basically just another episode of the show. That is, if the show was subtitled with Bible quotes. And, if instead of any drama, there was just Bible quotes. Or if, instead of there being any housewives, there was just a photo of a Bible for forty minutes. We would recommend just reading the Bible instead.

Brandi Glanville - Drinking and Tweeting: And Other Brandi Blunders

Best Quote: “When life hands you lemons, grab the nearest bottle of vodka and make yourself a cocktail.”
Our Verdict: Our fave RHOBH divorcee Brandi goes through a lot of drama, and thankfully her first book is no different. Spilling the dirt on her troubles with LeAnn Rimes, self-medication and vaginal rejuvenation surgery, Brandi’s post-Eddie world (and vagina) is just as crazy as ever. Thankfully, she ends it with a smile on her face; which is now also on ours.

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